


Half A Heart

by orphan_account



Category: PewDiePie - Fandom, Video Blogging & YouTube RPF, cryaotic
Genre: BoyxBoy, Death, M/M, Mad!Cry, Murder, Self Harm, sort of
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-25
Updated: 2014-01-25
Packaged: 2018-01-09 22:25:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1151529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cryaotic did something he will always regret. And because of it, his mother took his brother and they went as far away from him as they could possibly go. Cry's heartbroken, because it was a mistake. An honest mistake. And the holidays are coming closer, and Cry's going to be spending them alone. </p>
<p> Until Pewds makes the decision to come, anyways.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1. Skype Calls

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This is a fic I'm posting over from Wattpad, (sophiethewophie), and I hope you like it! Warning, Mad!Cry.

**Cry's POV**  
My apartment is a mess.

There are clothes and blankets strewn across the floor, plates and chips everywhere, and countless pill bottles on the kitchen counter. My couch was becoming a mess of cushions and the once neatly stacked pile of games was becoming a mess.

But that's okay. Because I'm a mess too. I have to wear a mask to cover my face, for reasons I don't really tell anyone. My lips are always trembling and tears are always falling, and I have to wear long sleeves constantly to cover up the damage. Sometimes it's self-inflicted, sometimes it isn't. I'm just prone to that kind of stuff. It's probably why my mom took Nathan and moved him as far away from me as she possibly could.

I'm sitting on my couch with a gaming controller in my hands and a dead expression on my face. There's a "Game Over" scribbled onto the screen in what looks like bloody handwriting. I sigh. Stupid horror games.

My laptop is next to me, and that's what I usually use for games. Youtube is pulled up and I'm on Felix's channel. But I do have a flat screen, so why not put it to good use? Instead of replaying the game, I silently exit out of it and continue to stare dully. For some reason, I feel empty. It's like I'm just doing the same thing everyday. No change, nothing.

Then, I get a noise from my laptop that sounds like a Skype call. I look at it and do a double take. It's Felix.

I instantly accept it, making sure the strings on my mask are secure. I'm awaited with a grinning and waving Felix. "Hey, Cry! How are you doing, man? You haven't posted anything lately, so I thought I'd check in."

I try to ignore the butterflies that fly in my stomach. "Uh, hi. I'm fine, I guess." I give him one of my smiles that I always use around him, but rarely around anyone else. Probably because it's forced.

This time, he frowns. "Cry, you sure? It's been almost a week, you left a message, yeah, but it seemed... different. I don't know, I'm probably just imagining it."

I let out a sigh, and though I try to stop it, my lip quivers and my eyes get watery. A tear slips from behind my mask, and I wish I could stop this. Stop it, Cry. But I can't. He notices immediately, and he isn't just as happy and oblivious as I thought he was, I suppose.

"C-Cry? Everything alright?

"Dammit, Felix." I mutter, a little amusement in my voice. "I just, um, this is my first, uh," I start to stutter so I stop talking, happy that my mask hides most of my bright red cheeks. "My family moved away. This is my first Christmas alone is all. It's fine." I give him a faint smile again, and he gets quiet for a moment, so I try and laugh it off. "Heh, sorry, this Skype call turned into a chick flick moment within seconds. My fault. Oops."

His look of wonder turns into a bright grin, and it's probably one of the biggest smiles I've ever seen him make. "You won't be alone this Christmas, Cry!" He says cheerfully.

"Huh? Why not?"

"Because I'm going to be with you! I'm coming to Florida!"

Then, he hung up.

*

*

*

Did that really just happen?

Felix is coming to see me. Awfully soon.

I check the time on my computer. December 15th, 5:39pm, Sunday. He's coming awfully soon.

I'd try to talk him out of it, say he should be with his family, but there's just no way I'd win that argument. He's coming. When? Soon. Awfully soon.

I better start cleaning.

I start to clean my apartment, starting with my bedroom and working my way through.The only thing I couldn't fix was my couch, which still has balls of fluff poking out of it in a million directions. The best I can do Is put a fleece blanket over it and pin it in a few directions. There. Good as new.

After I clean, I decide to reward myself with a snack. I open up a jar of Nutella and pop two things of bread in the toaster. While I'm waiting for the toast to finish up, I quickly check my messages on my phone. No new text messages, but I did get a few emails. Three spam emails, one from Russ and one from Felix.

Though I'm curious about what Felix's message contains, I click on Russ' first.

Hey man.

We missed you at the stream last night.

When you coming back, bro? Red was complaining about how she's going to have to explain everything to you next time since Scott and I suck at that kind of stuff.

I hope you'll be back next week.

Russ

It's true. There was a stream last night that I missed, though little does he know, I did watch it. I know exactly what happened, so he'd be okay. I'd be okay. Hopefully I was going to be back next time, II was just too busy spending time with Nathan on Saturday since I might not see him in person for a while.

I let out a deep breath, and I tap on the email Felix sent. There's a picture and five words under it.

The picture is of a plane ticket. Two, actually. It's going to be a round trip. The dates say that he'll leave for Florida at 3:24 pm on the 16th-

Wait, the sixteenth? That's tomorrow. Felix will be here by the very early on the morning of the seventeenth. That's... that's just a little more than a day. Oh my God.

I look at the return ticket, and my jaw drops open when I see the date.

January 6th.

Felix is going to be here for three weeks and six days. Felix will be here. We will spend Christmas Eve together, and Christmas and New Years Eve and New Years. That's four holidays. Four holidays with one of my favorite people in the world.

I look at the words he wrote, and I smile.

You won't be alone, Cry.

I actually can't believe I'm agreeing to this. I'm letting him abandon his family for me. I actually can't believe this.

But I'm so glad it's happening.

With a sigh, I lock out of my phone and start walking to my bathroom to take a shower and then probably go to bed. I spent about 2 and a half hours cleaning my apartment (with many breaks in between) and now it was about eight o'clock. 

*

*

*

As the hot water fell onto my brown hair and my brunet locks stuck to the sides of my face, I think about Felix and how soon he'll be right here in this room. In this shower. Oh my God.

My lips turn into a bright grin, and I look up instead of staring at my feet, and the first thing that meets my gaze is a razor on the shelf in front of me, and I instantly freeze. For some unknown reason, it's almost like it's calling out to me. It's telling me to. Something's telling me to.

You know you want to, Cry. It helps keep you sane. I hear in my head, a voice that seems so gravelly it barely seems like mine, though I know it is.

My hands start to shake, and in a fit of panic I take the razor and throw it through the crack between the shower curtain and the wall.

"No." I tell myself curtly. "Pewds is coming. Life is good. For once in my life, something's good. Don't wreck it, man. Don't..." I even myself out with a few deep breaths and turn the shower knob so the water stops pouring down on me. Pulling back the shower curtain, I grab the lone towel on the towel rack and wrap it around the lower half of my body. 

When I open the bathroom door a cold breeze hits me, and I shiver from under it. Goosebumps cover my arms and I let my face form into a childish pout. Before I can slide into my bedroom and change into some clothes, I hear a whisper.

Have you forgotten about me? You aren't actually starting to like me here, are you?

With wide eyes, I realize I almost forgot something. I hurry to the kitchen, and in the process I drop and nearly trip over my towel, but this is more important so I leave it there. I go to the kitchen, grab three bottles of pills and take one from each, except for one where I take two. I close my eyes and wait for them to kick in, and once that voice stops haunting me and I feel like the rock in my gut has disappeared, I'm good.

Forgetting about the towel, I head back to my room and change into a sweatshirt and boxers. 

"Screw this." I mutter, and flop down onto the bed, and I'm out the second my head touches the pillow.


	2. 2. Siblings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Allie comes to visit!

**Cry's POV**

"Ryan."

"Ryan."

"Ryan."

"Ryan, get up, you fatass."

"Ryan."

I open my eyes reluctantly, and I hear the voice coming from outside the door. Slowly, I open my bedroom door, though the voice relocates to the front door. Grumbling at the large distance, I grab my mask that laid on a coffee table and put it on before looking through the peephole. 

My eyes widen in pure ecstasy when I saw who it was.

I fling the door open and slam into the woman in front of me. The amount of joy that shoot through my veins was overwhelming, and I trembledunder the force of the bear hug I am currently enforcing.

She giggles. "Woah, you're happy to see me! Someone missed their big sister, huh?" I pull away from her and give her the stupidest grin I can muster. 

Her brown eyes look at me, thrilled. Her curly brown hair falls down her shoulders and her freckled cheeks twist slightly as she smiled back at me. She is wearing a white floral blouse and jeans, with a light pink purse in hand. 

"Allie! It's been forever, I thought you hated me after what happened..." I trail off quietly, but she gives me a knowing smile so I wouldn't have to finish my sentence. 

"I couldn't hate you even if I tried. Don't worry about Nate, he still loves you. Mom is just going to have to take a while to cool off."

I feel weak in the knees. "I wouldn't blame her if she never did." I mutter under my breath, so Allie couldn't hear.

After a few moments of an awkward silence, she clears her throat. "You gonna invite me in?"

A blush forms on my cheeks as I realize she was still standing in the doorway. "Right, right. Come on in." She walks into my apartment with a grace that only she could pull off, and I see her eyeing my bookcase almost immediately. However, instead of darting over, pulling out a book and completely going into a trance, she snaps her eyes back at me. "I think this is the first time I've seen this place clean." She says in amusement.

My lips curl into a smile at the thought of Felix. "I have a friend coming for a visit, he's coming for a few weeks."

Allie's faint smile turns into a huge grin. "You have a 'friend' coming to spend Christmas with you? That's adorable! But..." Her grin falters as she thought about it. "Doesn't he have a family, wouldn't he want to spend it with them?"

"I tried to talk him out of it, but before I could he'd already brought plane tickets." I explain shortly.

She sighs. "You know I wish you could come with me, Ry-bear. But I don't think Mom would be too happy about."

"S'alright, Allie. I understand."

Her smile brightens. "However, since I am leaving tomorrow for my business trip and by the time I get back it will be awfully close to Christmas, and I will not see you till after, I brought you your Christmas present right now." 

She pulls a small wrapped gift out of her purse and handed it to me. I take it gently, not at all expecting how heavy it was, and I almost drop it under the pressure. Allie laughs at me again. "Come on, open it!" She presses me, so mumbling an 'okay', I gently unwrap it and take the lid off of the box inside. She cracks up at my expression, and I greedily grab what's inside.

"Is this...?"

"It is."

A new camera. Not necessarily something I have, since it's not like I need to film myself when I post videos. I had a photography phase when I was younger, but Allie and I got in a fight and in a fit of rage she threw my camera across the room and it broke. I never really took many pictures after that. 

I click on what will take me to my camera roll, and my eyes bug out in glee when I see what's on there. A video and three pictures. All of Nate.

Before I even watch them, I squeeze Allie into the biggest hug I could muster.

"Watch the video, Ry-bear. Then you'll love me so much you'll cook for me, right now."

I press play.

The video shows my thirteen year old brother sitting on the ground in a grassy area, probably a park, in a comfy looking sweater and glasses. He's sketching something in his notebook, and I can hear Allie's quiet giggles as she inches closer to him with the camera. 

"What you drawing there, squirt?" She asks, and his head snaps up to the camera. He stiffens at the sight of it.

"I-I..." He stutters, closing his notebook. "Why do you have a camera?"

"I'm sending this to Ryan, to let him know we still love him!" Allie says enthusiastically. Nathan perks up immediately.

"Oh! Hi, Ryan!" He pushes his glasses to his nose and his brown hair, which is identical to mine, gets all messy in a strong wind going by.

"Hi, squirt." I whisper, even though I know he can't hear me. 

I can see Allie's hand gesturing him to continue, and I'm not really prepared when Nate grabs the camera and runs away from Allie.

After a few seconds, he turns to look at our sister, who is probably just out of earshot and a few meters away.

Then he looks at me. "Hey, Ryan, how you doing?" A second of silence ensues, and he laughs at himself. "Stupid question. Look, I know you're beating yourself up over everything that has happened, but don't. I love you, and Mom does too, even though she's shaken up. We're sorry about the fact you're spending Christmas alone... I really wish Mom would let you come, but I think we're just going to have to wait till next year. But that doesn't change that I still got you something!" He ends his little speech cheerfully, though after a few seconds he frowns. "I miss you. I want to go back home. I want your infamous pancakes and your stupidly amazing hot chocolates, and the horror movies I'd always force you to let me watch and..." Tears are streaming down his cheeks, as well as mine. "I love you, Ry. I'll see you soon, I swear it."

The video ends. 

"Dammit." I mutter, wiping my eyes.

"I figured you'd like to know that he misses you." My sister says quietly, and I make my way to the kitchen. She follows in confusion as I open the fridge and look at her. 

"What do you want me to cook for you?"

* 

* 

*

After a few hours, Allie left and I was left alone. I checked the time, and it was almost one in the afternoon. In a little more than fourteen hours, Pewds would be here. I wouldn't be alone. And that? That makes me awfully happy.

I decide to look through my stack of video games for one to play, and I smile when I come across Ibb and Obb. Memories hit me and butterflies flutter in my stomach. It seems like a lot of the memories I cherish the most have Felix in them. Late night Skyping, co-ops, drunkenly rambling about stories I don't necessarily tell people right away.

 

_  
February 10th. It's three in the morning, and instead of sleeping, I'm in my office (a.k.a. recording room) with my headphones on and a bottle of beer in my hand, laughing like an idiot. Pewds is on the other end, laughing just like I am. We're playing Ibb and Obb, though we aren't actually recording. We just want to have a break doing what we love, you know? Who cares if it's early, or late, or whatever. I'm hanging out with one of my friends. Is that bad?_

_"So, Cry."_

_"Hmmmm?" I say, then laugh even harder at how my voice sounds._

_"I don't know much about ya, man. Enlighten me, tell me your hopes, dreams, everything!" He seems so passionate, though I know it's only because he's drunk._

_"I have a cat." I say with a giggle. Wait, giggle?_

_"Oh, really."_

_"Yeah man! She's right here." I point to the bed behind me, oblivious to the fact we aren't actually voice calling._

_"I see, interesting."_

_I burst into a fit of laughter at the way his voice sounds, and he laughs along with me._

_"What about you, Pewds? How's the life? The romance?" Giggles ensue._

_He hesitates. "Don' worry about it, Cry." He mumbles._

I snap out of my thoughts and realize I'm still sitting on the floor, Ibb and Obb in hand. With a faint smile, I promise myself I will play it with him again. Soon.

With a sigh, I drop the game back into the box and pick out something I can play by myself-The Walking Dead. Season 2 is coming out very soon, so why not replay a little to spark my memory? I eject the disk that's already in my Xbox 360 (Red Dead Redemption) and out the Walking Dead in.

After hours of choosing Doug, then having Mark die, then Doug, then Duck, and then finishing it off with Lee and Ben dying, I rub my eyes. Had I really just played the whole games straight? Five episodes. I checked the time. Holy hell. 9:30pm.

I wasn't extremely tired or anything, but I knew I'd have to get up wicked early to get Pewds. I go back to my kitchen, and grab my three bottles of pills clumsily. I take the four necessary pills, swallow them dry, feel the bitter, disgusting taste trickle down my throat, and hesitate. I have the bottles open, and I'm staring. What if... What if I just took them all? Then I'd sleep, and I wouldn't have to wake up for Pewds. I wouldn't have to wake up for anything or anyone.

Are you trying to get rid of me? An evil sounding snarl comes from somewhere deep within my mind. With a shudder, I screw the lids of the bottles back on and place them on the countertop. No. Don't. My hand starts to tremble and I feel myself saddening by the second. 

I might as well just go to sleep. Then I won't have to feel... anything.

I knew I should probably take a shower, since I hadn't showered since the night previous and I wouldn't get another chance to until Pewds was already here. The razor was still on the other side of the room, and there, I left it. I'd had enough contemplations of things like that today. I didn't even want to think about it, I didn't want to think about hating myself. No. That would have to wait until tomorrow.

After my shower, I just go to my room, grab my phone, add an alarm for about 2am, since I'm assuming the flight is about twelve hours and I'll want to have about an hour to tiredly get dressed and out the door. I took a strange amount of time in the shower and then changing into suitable clothes to sleep in, as it's now nearing 10:30. 

Smiling, I put my phone down, and it's just like thoughts of leaving Pewds-and everything else, weren't on mind just moments ago.

 

*  
*  
*

 

I woke up to the sound of "I Remember You" by Danilo Garcia featuring Laura Brehm. Must be my alarm. Quickly, I shut it off and look at the time. 2:09. Crap. I must have slept through some of it.

Knowing Pewds won't be able to text me till he gets off the plane, I change into a sweatshirt and jeans, and I tug my mask on. On my way out the door I grab my wallet and my keys, because I'm about 96% sure Pewds is going to want to touch every American food/souvenior he sees, and he's going to want everything he touches.

With a yawn, I head out the door and down the stairs that lead down to the front entrance. None of the several doormen that work at the apartment building are here, they're probably all sleeping. Figures.

The car door creaks as I open it, and I am yet again reminded about how much I hate this old piece of shit. In my rage, I can feel my eyes begin to slowly close. However, to stop myself from falling asleep, I plug my phone into the audio jack and tap on the first song I see that is pretty upbeat, and my smile turns into a grin when I hear it.

A little bit of heaven, a whole lot of hell  
Don't know where this is going, but I know this feeling well  
You leave without a warning, you take my wallet and my keys  
Don't come back until the morning, I'm begging baby please

 

The song plays, then ends. And then, about ten other songs do the exact same thing until I pull into the airport parking lot. I'm shaking. Why am I so scared? It's just Pewdie.

I unplug my phone, stuff it in my pocket, then grab my wallet and exit the car. I'm taking deep breaths to try and control my erratic heartbeat, but to no avail. I'm still petrified. All these ideas are going in my head. What if he tries to force me to take off my mask? What if he finds my meds? What if he's scared of me and leaves?

All these worries.

I'm completely lost in thoughts so I feel like I'm in a trance as I open the door, go to the floor that I arranged to meet Pewdie on, and sit down in one of the restaurants.

It's a small cafe. There's a little bar that has glass walls so you can see all the delicious bakery treats they have, ranging from raspberry scones to cake pops. It's not very crowded, it's actually just me, the cashier, and a teenage girl in the corner on her phone.

My eyes begin to droop again, and I know there's a coffee bar in the restaurant but I'm just too tired to even get to it.

However, I'm not prepared for the clearing of someone's throat behind me.

"Cry... Wakey-wakey."

Slowly, I open my eyes.

There he is.


	3. 3. Flashbacks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mad!Cry kills people.

Seeing him is so surreal.

His eyes, his lips, the way his whole face lightens when he looks at me.

I've been starting to think he was just a face on a screen, a voice on a radio. But he isn't, he's just as real as I am.

I give him a friendly hug and he lets out a laugh. It seems nervous, but it's genuine, and it is lovely.

"Want some ice cream?" I ask.

"Yes, please."

\----

Ten minutes later, we are sitting cross legged, leaning against a wall in the airport, licking our cones. He's downing some Cookie Dough and I'm munching on just plain chocolate. We're barely talking, but I want to talk about everything. I want to ask him how he is doing, I want to ask him if he likes being one of the msot subscribed on YouTube. I want to warn him about my apartment and laugh about it, and I want to know if he'll be okay with how it's still kinda messy and if he'll question the pill bottles I have everywhere.

Instead I watch him.

His hair is the color of sand, but I know if I run my fingers through it it would feel nothing like it, it would feel feathery. His eyes are just like the sky, and his skin looks really, really soft. I want to touch it. I want to touch him. But I don't.

The silence isn't awkward, no. It's comfortable. And I don't have those with just anyone.

We finish eating, and I lead him through the airport I'd been in so many times. After doing a little math, I realize it's eight in the morning for him right now, so when I fell asleep the second I got home he'd be awake. I should at least try to stay up, and be a nice host.

We make it out of the airport and to my car, and he grins upon seeing it. "I never thought you would be the type of person to own a Wrangler, Cry."

My pride and joy. A gray 2013 Jeep Wrangler. I admit that he's right, I wouldn't have bought this myself, but it was actually given to me by my sister for my birthday last year, since my last car got totaled in an accident.

I slide into the driver's seat and he thuds into the passenger's, looking out at everything around him. Cars and the airport are mainly all he can see, but beyond that there's a lawn with palm trees, and the clouds in the sky are white, not even a hint of rain or anything. Florida's beautiful right now, just in time for Felix's arrival. I know it won't last, though. I'm just glad he gets to see at least one beautiful day before the winter weather kicks in.

I turn the key and the engine starts- and to my embarrassment, the song I was listening to before starts playing. With a yelp, I scurry to shut it off, but Felix stops me, as if he's trying to think of what song it is. When he realizes it, he starts laughing like crazy.

Hey boy you got me on my tip toes  
Don't stop kiss me and away we'll go  
Ooh whoa oh ooah oh

"A love song written by a teenage girl about her crush, Ry. Wow, you're really somethin'. Doesn't really fit the whole I'm-mysterious-with-a-sexy-voice atmosphere, though."

I glare at him and I try to ignore the fact that he called my voice sexy. It does not give me butterflies and it does not make me want to jump him. No, it does not.

"Ry, bro, not like your teenage girl music taste does not make me want to jump out of the car, but would you mind if I turned on some of my music?"

"Go right ahead, friend. And uh, I don't usually listen to that stuff. It was something my sister downloaded and it came on so-"

I am interrupted by the sound of Felix singing along with the song he has put on, which is now at full volume.

'"Two jumps in a week, I bet you think that's pretty clever, don't you boy?" I grin like an idiot when I realize this is a song Nathan has drilled into my brain only ten thousand times, so I have no problem singing along with him for the second line, though his voice is not nearly his best, and though I am not taking our little sing-along seriously, the only thing differing my voice from when I sing for real is the slight hint of playfulness.

"Flyin' on your motorcycle, watching all the ground beneath you drop," We sing in sync, and he grins even wider than I was just moments before. However, the line that followed it wasn't my favorite, so I let Felix sing it by himself.

"You'd kill yourself for recognition, kill yourself to never ever stop," He hesitates, probably detecting the line itself and the fact that it was the one I was silent for. But within moments, we're singing as we drive down to my apartment, and for me it's not even three in the morning but I don't care because I get to spend this moment with him. I get to sing with him in my car on my streets and I've wanted to do something very similar to this for a long, long time. 

High & Dry ends, but then we're listening to Bones, then Sulk, and we're listening to all of the Radiohead songs Felix has on his phone, which I know almost all of. He's just about to talk about how he's sick of Radiohead when I pull into my driveway, and he shuts up to look at the apartment complex.

"Lead me to your place, bro." So I leave the car, help him with his suitcase, and begin to walk. However, the second the weight of his luggage is relieved from him he bolts in front of me and runs up the driveway and into the lobby, and I can see him through the glass doors chatting to the doorman as I heave myself up towards them, and I walk into the room with a smile on my face despite the previous happenings.

"Ryan, you got a pretty big package earlier and it's in your mail, figured I'd let ya know now even though you got a guest who looks like he's gonna be here for a little bit."

"Thanks Abe, I'll get it later today, it is, heh, three in the morning."

He laughs and rubs his tired eyes, probably cursing whoever gave him the night shift, and Felix and I take the elevator to the 12th floor. He asks me some simple questions, like why there isn't a thirteenth floor, why I live so high up, that usual stuff. The high I felt when I was singing with Fe had rubbed off, and I was starting to stumble and feel weary, which made him laugh and steady me every once in a while.

When we made it to my floor, I muttered out the room number so he snatched the keys from my hand and he bounced up to it, unlocking the door and taking a few steps in, and he looks thrilled, but I'm the tired one dragging the suitcase behind him. I let him have his fun, though, because he's the one saving me from my loneliness.

"Cry, for an apartment, your place is-" When I walk through the door I see he's in the foyer touching the tiles imprinted on the walls, and his eyes are lingering on a little gadget on one of my keys that my brother made for me when he was a little kid, a leather keychain that has a crown and my name imprinted onto it. I smile vaguely at the memory.

_"Ry, Ryan I made you something in class today!"_

_"Really, squirt? What is it?"_

_"I found out your name means 'little king', so I made you this!" He shoved the trinket in my hands, and the cool leather made me cringe, but I relaxed almost immediately. I grinned upon seeing it, pulling my little brother into a bear hug. "Thank you so much, Nate! I'll keep this on me forever and ever!" I promised._

I've been keeping that promise.

His eyes only linger upon it for a second longer before he kicks off his sneakers and walks into the living room, which consists of two couches, a small flat-screen and a wall of cupboards filled with blankets, towels, books, things like that.

Meanwhile, I park his suitcase in the guest room that has one huge bed in it and some piece of artwork that's probably a lot more expensive than it should be. Finally relieved of the weight I've been dragging, I catch up to Felix, who's now peeking through the glass doors that lead into my office, admiring the little setup I have. "Having fun?" I say, my voice surprisingly... dark. He jumps at the sound and whips around, his face dangerously close to mine. I take a step back because I know what I'll do if I don't.

You want him. Get him. A gravelly voice hisses into my ear, and for a second, I feel possessed, taking a step loser to him and letting my fingers linger on his neck for just one moment. His eyes widen in surprise and I snap out of it, stumbling backwards. I decide that the best way to forget about that happening is to pretend it never did. "I left your suitcase in the guest room, it's the second door from when you walk in." He nods and lets out a yawn, and I suddenly realize I might not be the only tired one. "I'm gonna take a nap, Pewds. You can take one yourself, watch a movie, go on a walk, I don't really know, but lemme sleep, okay?" The last few words come out more as a string of words tied together, and it didn't really sound like a question, more like a slurred statement. Felix lets out a smile and I turn around, heading for my room. Hesitating, I turn back around. "Sorry if this makes me a bad host."

"Don't worry about it, Cry."

I stagger into my room and flop down on the bed, not bothering to take off my jeans or socks. I wasn't prepared for what awaited me, though.

_"How could you?" She's screaming it on the top of her lungs, and I wince at the sound of it. I try to run towards her, and apologize, and cry, and apologize more. But I've done it before. I've done it so many times and every time it ends the same way, her brushing me off like I'm not even her son._

_"You hurt us." A quieter voice says, and steps forward my little brother Nate, bruises on his face and a split lip. I start to sob, and kneel down so I'm even shorter than him._

_"Nate, squirt, you gotta believe me, you gotta believe that..."_

_"Why would I believe you and your bullshit stories?" He snaps, and my eyes widen horribly at the sound of the language he's using. Yeah, I swear all the time, but coming out of my little brother's mouth is different. It's really, really different._

_"Squirt, I'm begging you. I forgot to take my medication, that's why I.."_

_"But you didn't want to take them, did you... Ryan." My mother hisses my name and I almost fall over at the accusation._

_"Of course I did! Hurting my family... is horrible! I didn't want to, I didn't want to! It wasn't me! It wasn't me!"_

_"You're just like your father."_

I wake up with a jolt, my hands covering my mouth so I won't scream. There are tears streaking down my face and I know this is when I'm at my weakest, and this is when I'll have to fight against Mad the hardest. 

"Let me in, Ryan." I hear a voice mutter, and it doesn't sound like Pewds, and it takes me a second to realize it's coming from my head.

"Don't you want to have some fun?"

Don't I? I know that I should be fighting this. Because this little fucker inside my head is the reason my mother hates me. But how do I fight something that's been part of me for as long as I can even remember? I've been fighting it so long, why not take a break?

With that, I sigh.

"Go right the fuck ahead. But if you touch Felix, I'm killing you."

"You can't kill me without killing yourself."

"Exactly."

And then I feel it. This feeling surges through me and it almost feels like smoke in my lungs. It's heavy and I can barely bare it, but I can still move with some inhuman strength.

I feel alive.

I walk out into the living room, and see Felix passed out on the couch, phone still in hand. I laugh at the sight. It's hilarious. He's at peace, and I'm here staring at him. I bet if he knew about this, about me right here and what I could do to him, he be so fucking scared that he run in the other direction.

Fow now, I ignore him and head start to my kitchen. I pick out the biggest, largest knife I can find, whch happens to have sharp nicks in it and looks like it could chop someone's head off with one swing. A little part of me panics and thinks that that's too big, but I know there's nothing I can do. I don't even care. So I bring the knife down to my arm, and bring it across the rough skin as fast as I can. I let out a small cry of anguish as the blood starts to form and trickle down to my wrist and then drip onto the floor. The small cry turns into a fit of laughter and it brings tears to my eyes because of how hard I'm laughing.

I then remember Felix is sleeping right next to me, and I giggle more. Wouldn't it be... exciting for him to see me like this?

But then I remember I have places to be.

So I let the knife drop to the ground and move back to my bedroom, not even bothering to be quiet for Felix. Shufflng through the drawers, I find the thing I want and let my fingers caress it, from the barrel to the trigger and then to the butt of the gun. I quickly slip it onto my belt and rush out of the room, glancing one last look at my Swedish friend before I slam the door behind me.

The streets are quiet, and I'm assuming it's about five in the morning. I don't really know where I'm going, but at the same time I know exactly where I need to be. I make a few turns and then head straight, until I make my way into an alleyway. There's two men there, sitting on the cold ground with knives in hand and money and what must be weed between them. It's also what they have lit in a bowl and passing to each other, grinning like idiots.

I grin deviously. Them being high will make this so much easier for me.

''Hey babe." I whisper, sitting down next to one of the men and trailing my tongue up his neck. He's so high that instead of doing anything productive in response, he just lets out a flat chuckle. It's funny, because I'm about ninety five percent sure he's a flaming homophobic. That's half of the reason I'll have no problem doing what I'm about to do.

I grind up into him and he lets out a groan. I take this as the right time to pull out the weapon from my belt and put it up to his head, stepping backwards so I won't get harmed as I shoot the gun and a bullet runs through his head. It lets out a loud ring that will probably alert everyone in the area. Before anyone can come near me, I grab the knife that the newly-dead man is holding and throw it at the man next to him like a throwing knife. He lets out a screech as the knife rams him in the chest, so I kneel down next to him, take his own knife and quickly thrust it into the guy's forehead. His eyes slowly close and his white shirt turns red. I take the knives out of his forhead and chest so I can pocket them. I grab my gun and hook it around my belt. I can see people looking into the alleyway so, after a small debate on to shoot them all or to run away, I decide I'd rather have the chance to do this again. So I run, letting out high-pitched, loud giggles that sound very maniacal. I don't stop running until I'm probably far away from my apartment and the death scene. As if on cue, my phone that I did not even know I brought starts to vibrate. Rolling my eyes, I decide to ignore it as it's probably one of my fucking stupid friends trying to yell at me for missing the last livestream. 

That being said, it rings again, so I decide to take my phone out so I can shut the stupid thing off. Then I see the text is from Felix.

All of a sudden, the weight that was through my body is gone and I almost fall to the ground. I start to shake and I realize that the murders was all Mad, and I didn't do any of them. I'm Ryan again, not Cry. Not Mad. I'm me.

Shakily, I look at my phone to see a text from Felix. Two, actually. My eyes widen when I read them.

**From Felix:** Hey Ry, you left but I decided to go through your kitchen and find something to make us!

**From Felix:** Be back soon, ok?

That's when I remember I left a bloody knife on the kitchen floor.


End file.
